We believe that much of the self-help and motivational industry actually creates the opposite effect of what is expected. Re:LIFE is built upon a principle foundation that there are two types of motivation in all we do: “GAP-Based” motivation, and “Life-Based.” Comparing the two motivations looks as follows:
GAP: How far is this from “Good” and how can I fix/fill this GAP?
LIFE: How can I have a higher regard (in creation or redemption) for LIFE?
The Myth of Motivation is that we have to somehow achieve an external expectation of “good” in our lives through performance and we must be “fixed” to fill the GAPs of wherever we fall short. GAP-based motivation subtly deceives and undermines true fulfillment and unfortunately affects us all whether we recognize it or not. Life-based motivation allows us to achieve the same success we desire however through the perspective of purpose and passion. Re:LIFE can be applied in both personal and professional arenas and is especially effective for leadership, team-work, conflict resolution and family relationships.
The following is a chapter from the book Re:LIFE & The Myth of Motivation by Ed Kang which provides a personal explanation of how Re:LIFE was created:
INTRODUCTION:
AN AIRBORNE CONFESSIONAL
“Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up, at least a little bit.”
—Edward R. Murrow
In March of 2009, I found myself on a plane heading to Nicaragua. The purpose of my trip was to embark on a so-called journey of compassion with the humanitarian organization Impact Nations. On the plane departing from my home in Calgary, I was sitting beside Jodie, a longtime friend and colleague. Across the aisle were Melissa and Rose, who were also friends of my family and part of the team.
The tragic irony was that although I was on a mission to change the world with this group of wonderful people, not one of them really knew just how messed up my own life was.
So I decided there was really nothing better to do than spend the next few hours getting it all off my chest starting with whomever would listen: Jodie was the unenviable first. I’m pretty sure she knew something was amiss. But like the good friend I always remembered her to be, she let me bend her ear in a million different directions as I disclosed to her my personal junk like a devout and guilt-ridden Catholic sitting in an airborne confessional.
Our journey of compassion consisted of opening seven medical clinics with feeding centers in the poorest regions of Nicaragua. Our home base was the city Chinandega, which reportedly had the highest rate of crime, prostitution, alcohol abuse, and suicide. The team consisted of roughly twenty-two men and women from an array of diverse backgrounds; it included teenagers, professionals of all kinds, and retired nurses. As a whole, we were coming together as representatives from four different countries, which in my mind was very encouraging.
This trip was extremely important to me because I was on what you could call a detox from my life. I had just spent two years working as the chief operations officer for a new publicly traded business development and holdings corporation. As we fought for the company’s survival and success, I pursued a personal passion of mine by working as a teacher and a high school chaplain. Previously I was an associate pastor at a church on the local university campus.
By that time, however, I was pretty much burnt out and done with my life.
When I say “done,” I really mean it. Between the career stress and pressures of being a good husband and father, I had become an adrenaline-addicted fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants workaholic. I was burning my life and every relational bridge I could identify. My wife was mad at me. My partners were mad at me. And it didn’t take very long for my clients and business acquaintances to also become mad at me.
I was not a happy person.
In fact, before I left for Nicaragua, I wrote a confessional letter to my business partner and longtime friend, Donnie, giving him a completely clear look into the disastrous state of affairs that was called my life. I also just signed some checks and gave my bank cards to Jordan, another partner and friend, clearly instructing him that I wanted absolutely no communication during my time in Central America. I had my phone with me, but I vowed not to check my e-mails or messages for the two weeks I was away. This was excruciating for the first three days, but after the initial shakes and jitters, I was happy I made that commitment. It didn’t help that yet another business partner, Chad, had to pick up all the slack and get buried under my unmet responsibilities. There were more loose ends in my life than the back of a wall-sized tapestry. I can’t thank Tae-Young—my wife—Donnie, Jordan, and Chad enough for bearing the brunt of my personal implosion and silently suffering while I was gone.
All I knew was that secretly, I wished I never had to come back to Calgary and confront all the issues that would pounce on me like paparazzi on a celebrity scandal upon my return.
How did I get into that situation? I’d like to say that it wasn’t by choice, but I have to take full unadulterated responsibility and say it was.
Everything in my life had become all about me, and that’s what got me in really deep trouble.
Now the majority who knew me had no idea what was going on. In fact, some assumed I was living the dream in many ways. There was a lot of prestige and recognition in what I did. But if you were on the inside, it was not a pretty picture.
Imagine a train chugging along at high speed and pulling a few dozen cars filled to the brim. Imagine the faster that train goes, the more cars it tries to pick up. Why? Because that’s what good trains do, right?
Now imagine that the head engine car of the train decides to abruptly stop. What do you think happens to the rest of that train? It gets really ugly. My life was that train, and I just knew, sitting on my Nicaragua-bound plane, I was on a personal crash course of total disaster.
But the reality was I needed to be completely derailed before I could experience the miracles of what transpired in the next fourteen days.
My Nicaraguan journey of compassion changed my life completely.
Out of the flaming debris and complete carnage that was my life, something amazing was to emerge. Somehow I was given a clean slate and a second chance. A new perspective was gifted to me while I stood in garbage dumps and even prisons serving those ravaged by poverty and injustice. I came face-to-face with both the light and dark sides of humanity within and around me. And when that occurs, you have no choice but to change.
Boy, did I ever change!
Not to say that I instantly turned into a saint or started walking and talking like Mother Teresa. I genuinely wish it was that easy. No way. The truth about a detox is that it only gives you a momentary window of clarity and lucidity to make some really tough decisions. I had a lot more work to do, and I still am working on it to this day.
There is a big difference between me and one who has a chemical or substance addiction. At least if you are an alcohol or drug addict, you can try detox, for the most part, and avoid contact with the source of addiction. The problem for me was I was addicted to something far more nefarious and damaging.
I was addicted to people’s opinions.
At this point, you may have the inclination to scoff and bury this little book into a deep dark hole, or throw it into the fireplace like Mr. Woodcock did. Addiction to people’s opinions? Am I kidding? No. I can’t explain my addiction any other way. There is also one other truth that may completely throw you over the edge: we all have the same addiction.
Think about this for a second. I believe we are all born with addictive personalities in some form or another. But no other addiction is more popular and powerful than that of the opinions of others.
We spend our entire lives going through addictive behaviors like trying to make other people happy and gaining approval by meeting standards of good externally prescribed for us.
From the moment we are born, we are thrust into a childhood where we crave hearing the words, “Good boy!” or “Good girl!” When we are in school, we strive for good grades. Upon leaving the halls of umpteen years of education, we undergo severe anxiety trying to attain good careers and good relationships. We then put on brave faces and earnestly attempt to be good parents with matching good families. This starts the cycle all over again by passing down the addictions to our children for many years to come.
We are afraid to be rejected by those who hold the standards of what is good over us like judgments delivered from some unholy high court. Whether it is our parents, co-workers, managers, successful people we look up to, figures we idolize, or even church leaders in holy sanctuaries, we are always trying to make somebody happy or meet some cultural ideal.
What happens when we fail at pleasing people or meeting these standards? There is disappointment, of course. And like any good addict, we self-medicate. This is done either through pushing even harder and using our recent performance as the latest addiction hit, or we withdraw to avoid future pain and find comfort in other vices—this is where real substance abuse and other conditions like gambling, eating disorders, and pornography find their foothold.
This book is about overcoming this addiction to what is thought of as good.
This is not to say there are no good and bad things in life that should be sought or avoided. Sunshine, puppies, hugs, and that sound your golf club makes when you hit the ball just right are definitely good things. Gunshot wounds, toxic waste, parking tickets, and having the hot water abruptly run out while you are doing your best American Idol impersonation in the shower are definitely bad ones.
Nor am I saying that the pursuit of a good career, a good family, and, in general, a good life is something bad. My argument is that if the standard of good is derived from other people’s expectations or from popular culture and it does not resonate in tune with our hearts and souls, something is terribly wrong. And if we pursue this good like junkies, burning ourselves and others for that next high, then it becomes an addiction that produces many of the so-called walking dead we see around us. By the term “walking dead” I mean those that seem to just exist with no purpose and passion in life.
Maybe this doesn’t apply to you, and that’s fine. This book isn’t for people who think they are strong and healthy. Nothing I say would penetrate their world anyway. This is for those who find their own trains are about to crash any minute and are starting to get really honest with themselves. Or it’s for those who have already burnt out and are now just slowly dying from the inside out.
I found hope, and so can you.
What happened in Nicaragua? If you can just hang on and wait until the end of this book, you will understand how my life was completely redeemed and other’s lives transformed.
In no way is my world today a bed of roses. I still struggle just like any normal guy out there. A recovering alcoholic reminds himself he is an addict for the rest of his life. This doesn’t mean that person has not achieved victory over the addiction. It’s a gesture of humility to accept that at any time one can fall right back into the addictive patterns that destroyed his or her happiness in the first place.
I am an addict for life. And that’s fine by me because former addicts can help other addicts. They have a message of sincere authenticity and can be a guide on the road less travelled.
All that being said, I have never been more excited about life in a very long time. I now serve as the executive chaplain and director for a business conglomerate called the Goliath Group of Companies. I have been reinvigorated with purpose and passion alongside my personal friend and mentor, Steve Casey, the head honcho at the Goliath Group. Steve had the compassion and wisdom to put me in a spiritual padded room while I squirmed and screamed from the shakes and shivers. Steve did this by having the insight to financially make my Nicaraguan adventure of transformation possible.
Through the Goliath Group, Steve and I are in the business of transformation—the transformation of business and the world. I personally live to see people conquer the Goliaths in their lives and experience true transformation.
I have also salvaged my old business partnerships into real friendships, and they’ve become more fulfilling than ever before. I now consider friends like Donnie as brothers-in-arms that share a foundation of friendship that you just don’t find in regular companies. Although we may be in separate ventures or even parts of the world, we share a common vision to see real change—the kind of change that leaves a legacy we can all be proud of.
This book is called Re:LIFE because it is about a newfound regard for life that has become the focus for a growing community of people. We all have discovered each other, simply through living by conviction and exploring an alternative to the safe, cushy, and good life. Every day I wake up thanking God for the privilege and honor to have crossed their paths. Sometimes I go to bed at night completely in awe, speechless, and wondering to myself, What did I do to deserve this? For the first time in years, I don’t feel lost in my calling but as someone who yearns to leave the world a better place than when he entered it.
Re:LIFE was a gift given to me by some very special people over the course of many years and hardships. And now I wish to share it with you.
May it breathe a new hope, vision, and freedom to pursue everything you imagined and were destined for—just like it is doing for me and for many others.
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